Requiem for a sofa

It was ugly. Not butt-ugly, but…didn’t go with anything else ugly. A dual-reclining heavy monstrosity that was a pain in the behind to clean under. Blue, with peach plaid striping and a pineapple in each square.

The sofa was in the livingroom when I moved back home from Little Rock. Like everything else that has happened in my life, that monstrosity was waiting for me. The armrests were the perfect height for me to rest my pregnancy-swollen ankles on and still keep an eye on Daniel. The dual recliner not only meant that I could change positions, but that Alannah could have a sleepover and they could watch TV and still have a place to stretch out and sleep.

The ugly meant that my heart was not shattered when something inevitably got spilled on it. I blotted the spots dry and every few months I would wield the upholstery attachment on the carpet cleaner, rendering it fresh-smelling and relatively un-stained (though nothing would ever completely remove the stain of my entire cup of coffee splashed across one cushion).

Me sitting on the blue sofa

This is one of the first pictures I ever let Daniel take with *my* camera. That was (is) my favorite position for reading – curled up against the armrest.

Daniel's favorite sick spot

When he was sick, Daniel liked to sit “in my spot”. (Yes, french toaststicks do make it all better, why do you ask?)

(Yes, the sofa was blue. No, I didn’t realize the difference in color tone in the pictures until after I’d started writing. Yes, I’m lazy enough to leave it. Daniel’s pic was taken with a phone cam, we’ll leave it at that.)

Alas, Mama did not love the Blue Monstrosity. It was too big, too heavy, too ughLEE, and didn’t match. (For the record, I agree with ALL of those points.) She declared that it should be relegated to storage and the “new” sofa installed.

I objected, highly. Yes, the sofa is big and heavy and doesn’t match. And my heart doesn’t break when something gets spilled. Yes, it may be YOUR house, but you NEVER spend time in the livingroom and WE DO.

I lost the argument, natch.

Daddy hauled it off one day and replaced it with a nightmare. He told me the Blue Monstrosity was safe, but wouldn’t tell me where it was. He hauled it off before I could clean it and wrap it in plastic, sealed with a kiss. (Smart man. He knew I’d try to bring it back.)

And then the accident happened, and our world was made of upsidasium for a while. We cleaned out The Big House – no sofa. We cleaned out the barn – no sofa. We cleaned out The Little House – no sofa. Finally, we made it to the garage at The Little House. There, standing on end was the Blue Monstrosity.


My heart lept for joy….until I touched the fabric. It has been out there for two years. Yes, it’s been dry…but remember, that sofa needed to be cleaned. I made calls – everyone wants to reupholster it until they find out it’s a double-recliner. Then the price doubles.

Yes, I already have replaced The Nightmare with something more family-friendly. No, I really didn’t have room for the Blue Monstrosity. That’s not the point.

Vaya con Dios, my friend. You were so comfortable, and I miss you.

Ever have one of those moments

where you look at the clock and realize that it’s WAAAAY later than you meant to stay up but the homework is all finally done (YAY!) and you can go to bed now but noooo, you really can’t go to bed because the dog is asleep on the floor and if you move you’ll wake the dog and you don’t want to wake her so you sleep on the sofa?

Now you know why I believe dogs should sleep outside in their dog houses. Then I don’t have to have this kind of conversation with you at one-fifteen in the morning. Or the guilt.

Especially the guilt.

I’m no stranger to conversations at 1:15.

We Just Can’t Have Nice Things II, (incorrigible edition)

Wall Destruction

The work on the wall continues. Daniel puts himself to sleep by scratching the wall. Joe likes to use it for a map when he goes into the bedroom to pretend. I’ve pretty much decided to just let them have at it and sweep up the chips – the other three walls are essentially intact.

Joe on Dresser

This is what I saw when I opened the door to snap the photo.

Leap Away!

And then he showed me how he gets down….and bounces from Daniel’s bed to his.

The End

This entry is part 9 of 10 in the series atypicalrelationship

Ed. note: My part is bolded

Good Morning
Morning
Sleep well?
Somewhat
What are you doing today?
Going to the dentist at 1115 thats about it
Sounds fun
Another adjustment
Adjustments for everyone!
U need a stretch adjustment since its been a while
… seriously?
You don’t answer the phone when I call, but I’m supposed to giggle, roll over and put out when you snap your waistband?
Yanno, I may be different than any other girl, but it still hurts to be ignored.

Im here i had the phone turned down while i was in the dentist officd
And babe u aint put out in a while
So you just want sex. Got it. Wish you’d been that upfront to start.
You never would have met my kids.

Cat ot your tounge
U emily u have serious problem
Do tell. Or rather, do text since you don’t want to TALK.
You’re right. I do have a serious problem. I believed you.

U caused this wedge between us and it was all you when it came to your kids and i didnt push u into being my daughter’s parent figure i figured it would come in time but i didnt push it
You’re right., It’s all me.
Well quit it and slow things down and enjoy being with each other
So I should just put out, right?
U should want to spend time with me without fussing all the time with
You should want to TALK to me. Not text all the time.
The reason is we get into fusses and i don’t want to fight with u but if that can change it will be better Close
U have to work tonight
What does it matter?
I wanted to know if u wanted to go out spend some tiime together
I can’t tonight. I know you don’t care to hear about my kids, but it’s Joe’s turn to be sick.
Is that u cant or u wont
I am not leaving my son.
Fine use him as an excuse u didnt want to go anyway
Why would I go out with someone who refuses to talk to me?
We can talk but not fight
I don’t think you couold insult me any further.
Maybe if u didnt try and pick arguements with me
You’re right,. I’mcompletely and totally to blame.
If u remember u made a comment that i shouldnt be around ur kids cause u thought i was a dangerb to them so im not going around them and u started all this shit to start with
Because uve always spoke before u thought
Things were good between us until u had show ur ass in front of ur mother chose a house over me which told me right there u didnt care anything about me
You said you didn’t want to talk about the house. I did not show my ass, I pointed out that a week was not realistic AND that you didn’t give us the statement we asked for.
Like u said i was a good fuck or lay
And bonus! Your still married to someone else.
You SAID it wasn’t just sex. You SAID you wanted to get married. You SAID to stop shoving my kids down your throat.
I would like to point out that you don’t know if I’m fussin’ or not. There is no tone of voice.

Look whats between me and u is our relationship whats between me and ur mother is between me and her the sooner u realize that our relationship will quit suffering
So you’re sleepin with my mama too?
Dont be smart
But I thought you liked that I’m an intellectual?
Dont be funny
But I don’t want to be gloomy all the time!
Emily do you miss me at all
I did. For a while. Realizing that you weren’t really interested in speaking to me pretty much killed it.
It hurt. A lot. That happens when you take chances.

Well i dont want to aurgue with u alol the time i thought i made that clear when i saw in the store
I get that. But you didn’t bother to communicate other than to text. Even after I asked you to PLEASE talk to me not text.
Emily ur looking for a father for ur kids more than ur looking for a relationship u might know how to please a man physicaly but not emotionaly
…Yeaaaaah you’re fantastic at that whole emotional thing there dude.
Its hard when someone pushed u away
You TOLD me you were looking for a good relationship not just sex.
I was looking for both
I can’t be with someone that refuse to be part of our lives. Maybe you wouldn’t have gotten my children shoved at you if you hadn’t spoken of marriage.
U dont beleive in it anyway
So I’m supposed to abandon my kids and my mama? I don’t think so.
Why did u think u had to do that
You said “marry me.” I said “here are my children. This is my Mama.” Now you say I shoved them down your throat.
Because I cannot dump my children or my mama. Will not. We are a package deal. Buy one get four free.
Well i know whats wrong with u ur under ur mothers thumb cause u want her money and if u dont do what she wants she will cut you out of her will and not give u that trailer uiknow i love my parents but im not going to plant my head up their but to please them i dont care what they had and your mother woukdnt have anything unless it been for your dad cause he got it all.
Now who’s pushing away?
U know u kept telling me that ur mother was off her rocker well guess what ur just like her and getting more like her every day
No, just proving your ignorance.
Nope just telling the truth
Now u have gone where noone has gone before flippy
I maybe alot of things but im not stupid
I said you were ignorant. Which is not the same thing as stupid.
U no what im tired of this u have proved again all u want to do is argue i think thqats enough
I’m just trying to communicate with you. You refuse to talk to me and with a sick kid I don’t have many other options.
U dont know how to commuicate
You don’t know how to listen. I think that pretty well evens us out.
You keep right on thinking that babe.
Just like a women always tryhing to tell you how it is when she has no clue.
Mmhmm
I dont think I know
Yea i can rock your world

The Exercise and The Agony: The Story

I had twittered that our departure time was delayed. A quick check of my tweets shows that I sat around for nearly two hours before being able to pack the van. Our Teen Travelling Companion went to a school sports practice with little sleep and no food – by the time we got to her house to get her things for the trip she had gone right past dizzy and nauseous and straight into Technicolor Yawning. (Humorous moment even within her pain: She tossed a bag of frozen peas on the table, said “Please Apply Directly To The Forehead” and then thunked her head down on it.)

Of course My Teen promptly sat down in front of their computer, leaving me with the exercise ball to sit on, and nothing else to do. What do you do when you’re sitting on a nice big bouncy ball?

You bounce, of course!

What do you do when you’re boooooooooored with bouncing?

You try something else. In my case, I decided to try stretching my back and shoulders out. It may have looked downright awful but that stretch felt soooooo goooood. To refresh your memory:

The exercise and the agony.

Her packing finally got done and we got underway. When we got to Mamaw’s house Thursday, my stomach felt a little odd but I chalked it up to spending $40 on fast food in one day and the boys having nothing to do but jump on me. Sleep was simply not going to come to me easily either – too much activity during the day.

Friday brought us a beautiful high-contrast day. We got the kids fed, the house cleaned up, and then went to the park for a few hours. What do we do at the park? We play, people! My favoritest thing in the world is to swing, so once the boys were occupied I made a beeline for the unoccupied set. My shoes flew off as I leaned back and pointed my toes in an ever-expanding effort to go higher. And then I realized this is The Perfect Time to try taking action shots. I wrapped my arms around the chain, turned the camera on, tightened my abs, and did my best to kick the sky.

Kicking the Clouds

Out of the ten shots I tried, this one is the best. The others are missed moments where I hit the button too soon or too late. I’ll let that sink in. Ten shots. While actively trying to keep my camera on. And for all practical purposes in a crunch.

The boys finally declared themselves Hot And Tired, so we hopped into the van for the trip back to Mamaw’s, where I collapsed on the sofa – and where Joe promptly jumped on me. You know what happens when a kid jumps on you, right? You curl protectively around the softest parts of your body into the fetal position. And you use your abs to get into that position. Thirty minutes or so after he FINALLY stopped bouncing on me, my abs decided to speak. Authoritatively.

Each individual muscle turned into a hot spasming bundle of pain, saying things like “We thought we’d remind you of that freshly postpartum feeling!” and “Oh HEY THERE did you know we exist??!!??”

My sweet sweet Mamaw didn’t understand what I was talking about – she kept asking me if I needed a Tums or something to eat or if I needed to go to the bathroom. And all I could do was sit there in the rocking chair holding my throbbing belly and gasp “Mamaw, I’ll be OK.” And then another muscle would spasm and take my breath away.

Finally, blessedly, the boys fell asleep and I was able to mincingly make my way to the bed and collapse.