Em and the Possibilities There are no guarantees in life…only the possibilities

Wizbang’s Bonfire of the Vanities that is.

Sweetheart, you’ll never know how much I appreciate the recommendation for the Sybian but couldya pay for it too????? Please??? Pretty please? I’ll be yer best friend!

Being sick, or the catch-up after I’m well. I was sick all weekend with sniffles, body aches, and holding a sick toddler as well. Needless to say nothing got done.

Today so far I have:

done 3 loads of laundry, folded and put away
shampooed the livingroom carpet
run the dishwasher twice

on top of the usual routine of changing diapers, schoolwork, internet business, and nursing.

of music again. And writing – putting things down in this blog has made me want to write again. I had put each of them aside to become a wife and mother, not realizing how much of myself I had set aside as well. Needless to say, the marriage didn’t work out nor did any of my subsequent relationships.

As a child I was pressed into indentured servitude given piano lessons, and later chose the violin in an effort to get out of playing the piano. It’s not that I dislike the piano, but well….the cool factor of being a pianist was WAY down the list. Add that to the fact that my folks wanted me to be a church musician, and you’ve pretty much turned me against it. And let’s not forget the portability factor. Just exactly how many street pianists do you know?????

Most of the reasons I stopped playing music had to do with lack of vision. I was told “You’ll never be a concert pianist, your hands are too small” and so I lost interest. I was told “You’ll never make a living as a violinist unless you win these classical competitions and make yourself famous”. Now I know the people who told me that were both right, and yet so incredibly wrong at the same time. Lack of vision was and still is the biggest problem I have to deal with in the area of music. I just realized…I LOVE Irish folk music, and probably could play it with few problems. Now the piano’s gone, the violin is resting in a pawn shop somewhere (don’t ask) and I wanna play them.

Is there a point to this rambling whine? YES! I miss music!!!!!!!!

Hmmm, wonder how pissed Mom would get if I brought out my (deceased) uncle’s guitar and strung it?

If you are vegetarian because it’s wrong to kill, why is it OK to kill snakes, mice, bunnies and other small animals with commercial farm equipment each season?

Too fucking lazy to get out from in front of the computer to find that lighter? Just finished masturbating to porn messaging your girlfriend and want that de-stress cig? Well, look what we’ve got in store for you!

It’s the handy, dandy Car Cig Lighter for your computer. Simply install this mod in your box, and enjoy chainsmoking as you look for porn surf the web! Don’t smoke? NO PROBLEM! You can also use this handy dandy mod to plug in your cellphone, laptop, WHATEVER! If you plug it into your car, you can plug it into the Car Cig Lighter

Yes, it’s a cheezy title, but it was my daughter’s first eclipse. We went outside as the moon was nearly halfway covered (thank you Tanya for telling me!) and stood staring at the moon [note to self: next time, get RECLINING lawnchairs] and talked. It’s the first time we’ve spent any serious *alone* time together since we moved back in with my folks (in February). We cuddled under a fleece blanket. Talked about letting go of old hurt feelings as the moon disappeared, and new dreams/new hopes as the moon re-appeared. We stayed outside til the moon was totally in shadow, but then the babies decided we’d been outside enough.

It was absolutely not the ritual with incense and meditation that I (thought I) wanted, but it was still perfect.

I thought I was done with the Daddygate/trapping thing (see yesterday’s post), but I’m not. It makes absolutely NO sense to me, and it pisses me off to no end.

If you are dating a woman with children and you KNOW she has children, would you not automatically assume that if you hook up/live together/get married that you would be “Daddy”? Maybe not *their* Daddy, but Daddy of the house (Man of the house, but with legos).

If I were without children, *maybe* I could see the whole “got pregnant to trap me” thing. No, on second thought, that still makes no sense to me. Marriage never EVER entered the equation. Been there, done that, AIN’T gonna do it again.

At absolutely no point did I say “Hey, marry me, I had your kid.” I’ll admit – on overwhelming days, I do bitch to my friends about needing a Daddy so I can catch a break for a few hours and soak in a hot bathtub without tub crayons and pee in the bathwater. Never said it to him – don’t want him. Decided that somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2002 (when he stopped talking to me). Sorry, call me weird–but if a guy stops speaking to you, that’s a pretty surefire sign that he’s not interested. At least to me it is.

I just don’t get it. ah, fuck it.

Dear Joe’s Dad:

So I got pregnant to trap you? Exactly what century are you living in?????? Quit making up excuses and give me the real reason. You stopped talking to me *long* before I told you about him. If I wanted to trap you, I would’ve done quite a few things differently, don’t you think? The first thing that comes to mind for me would be moving back in with my parents – an additional 1000 miles AWAY from you. You KNOW about the issues I have with them. If I were truly trying to trap you, don’t you think I would’ve moved *closer* to you?

Yes, you overheard me telling my (then 9 year old) daughter that I was looking for a new daddy for her. What’s so wrong with a kid wanting a daddy? And what is so wrong with me trying to find a good one????

I told you about him because I had this idea you might like to know about your own personal mini-me walking around on the other side of the country. I agonized for hours over how to tell you. I’m really profoundly sorry I did. Of all the reactions I expected from you over this…..well, let’s just say that “getting pregnant to trap you” was absolutely nowhere near the list.

Do us all a favor. When you get the paperwork to end your paternal rights, don’t fight it. Oh – and that’s another thing. Don’t you think if I wanted to trap you, I’d be filing for child support instead of termination?

Amazed, astounded, shocked, and flabbergasted,

Tink

I’m calling lawyers this morning. I want to confirm what I read last night about terminating parental rights in my state.

Last night Joe’s sperm donor was IMing my/our friend – while I was online. Apparently he’s changed his ID or blocked me from his list, since I didn’t see him. I sent him a message through her and he won’t talk to her about it. Since he won’t talk to either of us, I see no reason to continue even the most fragile of connections to him. Fuck him. It’s hard work raising good kids, and the last thing I want is for him to show up 5 years later and decide he wants to be daddy now and screw it all up.

Asshole.

the future man of our house. A man worthy of my occasionally undivided attention. A man who would make a dessert like this.

In other news today, I’m absolutely exhausted. I really profoundly need a vacation after this weekend. The laundry list of activities includes: a Halloween sleepover party for my daughter and 3 of her friends Friday/Saturday, playtime all day Saturday for them, and then being alone in the house with the boys all day Sunday. I can handle any of these activities separately, but when they all stack up like that, it really whoops my tail. As I write this, I’m the only one awake in the house. I’m torn between enjoying the quiet by reading a book or just crawling into bed. What I’ll most likely end up doing though, is sitting here in front of the computer for another hour or so, and then going to bed. I need to sort through the pictures I took at the party–delete what sux and edit the keepers.

YAWN