I guess it’s about time. Maybe. Sort-of. Ambiguous? Nah, not me. Dating. Good gawd, just saying the word itself brings up all kinds of high-school heavy breathing images up. It’s been over a year since the XBF started regarding me as his “roommate” rather than his “wife” (of the common-law variety, that is), and nearly a year since Joe’s father dropped me. Why didn’t the X and I make it official? Well, I did like to quip “We can’t have our child tainted by legitimacy.” Honestly, though…I realized one day after our son was born that I wanted to be married again – just not to him. There were a lot of things profoundly wrong with that relationship. I just didn’t want to admit it or let go. Until it became too late and we hated each other. We’re slowly, carefully, cautiously becoming friendly again, mainly because of our son. If it weren’t for him, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted as long as it did, and we wouldn’t still be talking.
I kidded with friends about running personals ads and even placed a few, but then deleted them. I can’t get past the fear of getting dropped again. There are a lot of things I can handle….that’s just not one of them right now.
I visualize Joe’s father apologizing for the way things worked out. Begging me to let him be part of our lives. Whisking all of us off to…wherever. Heh, that’s the only apology or communication I’ll get from him, may as well make it as maudlin as I can, right?
I castigate myself for languishing in despondency when I survey my life, and all that I have wrought upon myself. More than that, bringing my children into it this way. I believe that things happen for a reason. I also believe that children choose their parents, although it really DOES make me wonder what kind of karmic redemption my children are in need of.
Oh, hell with it. It’s late, I’m tired, and I’m depressing myself just thinking about it. Move along, nothing to see here, keep it moving, keep it moving.
On this day..
- Extreme Cognitive Dissonance - 2007
- Check these puppies out! - 2005
- Random grumpy thoughts written down. - 2004
- No fluffy meme’s tonight. - 2004
- Traffic - the ping edition - 2003
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